If you have asked me what I feared most a few years back, I would have answered: the sea. If the same question were thrown at me again today, I would say that my worst fear is fever.

Ever since I have kids of my own, I have hated fever. Fever is the prerequisite for many illnesses, and many of them can be fatal. Ivan have been having fluctuating fever since Saturday afternoon and frankly, I am scared out of my wits. Scared not because of his fluctuating temperature, but because of the unknown. No one has given me an answer… what is causing it? Every time I think if what this fever could be brought on by, I cry.

I feel so helpless, the only thing that can do now is wait. Wait for his urine test results (and hope that it is just simple urine infection and all this worry is for naught) and wait until Thursday so that he can have his blood tested (if his fever still persists). I am afraid of dengue, but have been told by doctor this morning that a blood test will not show since his fever have only been going on for 2 1/2 days.

What can I do? *sob*

The next time I mention anything about having another kid, someone please smack some sense into my head. I know when the time comes when Izac is older, I will be getting amnesia again, just like I did when Ivan was 8 months old. What the hell made me think I am ready for two kids?

Sorry guys, I just need to rant or write something down. I am just feeling so tired and brain dead that I might just be talking crap. Anyway, this is my last week of maternity leave, I will be going back to work on this coming Friday. I can probably blog more when I am sitting peacefully at my desk in office, but life now is just so haywire. Izac is nothing like Ivan… this newborn is so LOUD. He cries when we try to change his soiled nappy, he cries when we change his vomit soaked clothes and most of all, he cries when his “life” pacifier (that’s me!) is not in his mouth. I do not know how much longer I can hang on to breastfeeding but I am proud to say that at least he was fully breastfed for 2 months. Ivan, on the other hand, I just so “angelic” compared to this little terror. I only remember once in the middle of the night when I was so frustrated with Ivan’s crying even after trying to pacify him with everything under the stars, I was probably only because he had a wee bit of colic then.

My guess: it is probably the breasts. I think breastfeeding makes Izac to difficult to handle as he is always held when drinking milk (and that’s ALL the time). Ivan was mixed fed from the start, that is probably why he is easier to handle kua…

As work days loom nearer, we still do not know how to create a routine for this boy. Latex or silicone pacifiers just will not do… unless he has cried till his throat becomes hoarse and he is just too tired. I am at my wits end. He is okay with drinking from a bottle but after filling his stomach, he wants mummy’s nipple to suck to sleep. I am now torn between hanging on to direct breastfeeding in the evenings (but Sutini does not seems to be able to juggle two kids at the same time during the day ) or express the milk and only bottle feed the kiddo (this way he can stay at mum’s place). If things do not pick up by Wednesday, I might just choose option number 2 and see how long my milk supply can hold up without him sucking directly.

Well, I am so sleepy… if left alone I can probably sleep for days without waking up… will continue soon plus backdate some posts which I meant to blog about but did not have time.